The Crucible

Last week, I had to read an excerpt from a book on leadership for one of my Masters classes. Our professor challenged his students to compose a reflection based on this statement: 

“A transformative experience may come at some point in your life. It could result from the positive experience of having a wise mentor or having a unique opportunity at a young age. But as much as we all want positive experiences like these, transformations for many leaders result from going through a crucible.” 

Lots of food for thought there. After taking a few moments to recall the various challenging phases of my life, I turned to my husband and asked him what he thought my "crucible" is. 


Without skipping a beat, he said one word: "Kids." Amazing how I was thinking the same thing.

Below is my {somewhat sober} reflection paper for my class -- forgive the wordiness and APA style. Glean what you will.

Mother & Child, Klimt

Throughout my life, I have faced several challenges – professionally, emotionally, and physically – which have led to some level of personal change and growth. However, none thus far has compared with the crucible experience of being a mother.

It may seem like an oxymoron to say that motherhood is a crucible. In my young adult years, when I was full of ideals and perfect plans, I did not know that being a mom is as hard as it is beautiful, and that God means for motherhood to bring about sanctification through the utter dying to self.

Motherhood is a continuous and transformative call to rid yourself of the “I” and to embrace the refining, sanctifying, glorious place that is “We.” It is both painful and joyful to love until it hurts: to strip yourself bare of everything you thought you knew of who you are and what you need; to surrender your body, your time, your sleep; to offer yourself with open hands until you think you have nothing left to give, and then get up the next day and do it all again.  

This daily transformation plays out differently for each mother, and each mother will have times in her life that are more trying than others. For me, the change from selfish to selfless is very much a work in progress. I have been often surprised at just how deeply-intrenched my ego is, and how hard I have to work to root it out. This is often a trial by fire that involves accepting (or not) the everyday moments of frustration, changed plans, toddler tantrums, illness and injury, and wide-ranging demands that all come with raising children.

One instance stands out as particularly difficult in my own crucible of motherhood: suffering from post-partum depression after the birth of my second child brought me to a place of darkness and fear that I had never known in my life before. Thoughts of defeat continuously filled my mind and heart: I can’t do this. I hate being a mom. I am a failure. It has taken the past two years for me to begin to see the work that God wants to do in my heart through this momentous test of my faith – to make me more trusting, more loving, more humble, and more supple in His hands. A wise young mother once told me that “God will not protect you from anything that He can perfect you through,” and this rings true in my experience.

My dear husband has been my faithful friend and my greatest champion through these years of the agony and the ecstacy of being a mom. He has listened to my “narrative of hopelessness,” has countless times reframed the daily mom-situations that seem overwhelming, and has encouraged me to seek hope-filled goals for the future. Most significantly, he has seen my problems as his own, and together we have tried to embrace God’s master plan for our family life.

St. John Paul the Great speaks extensively of the self-giving love that is vital to family life on all levels. One insight of his especially strikes a chord in my heart: 

“To maintain a joyful family requires much from both the parents and the children. Each member of the family has to become, in a special way, the servant of the others and share their burdens.”

Motherhood is a beautiful and holy crucible. With God’s grace, it will continue to transform me into the person that He has called me to be.

Has motherhood been a holy crucible in your life? I'd love to hear your story!